


Bumming Chris Evans

by Agent Purple Pants (fannyvonfabulus)



Series: Is This The Real Life?  Is This Just Fantasy? [2]
Category: (sort of) - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Academy Awards, Gen, I blame bennysemma for this one entirely, Jess wants to bum Chris Evans, Oscars, Red Carpet, and Tom Cruise, mention of Bradley Cooper too, mention of Jennifer Lawrence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 19:30:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1097760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannyvonfabulus/pseuds/Agent%20Purple%20Pants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when bennysemma and I Skype each other - me too early int he morning and her when she should have been in bed hours ago.  Both sleep deprived, I somehow came up with a stupid voice with which I started to shout as loud as possible "CHRIS!! SHE WANTS TO BUM YOU!"</p><p>I then had a dream about being at the Oscars with the entire Avengers cast and Jess.</p><p>This one shot is the result.  Sorry it's not really finished.  I'll get round to it eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bumming Chris Evans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bennysemma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bennysemma/gifts).



> Just realised that this could pretty much slot into the end of my NaNo.

“No, you _can’t_ ,” Jess hisses at me, grabbing my arm to stop me from what will probably end up being me making a complete tit of myself in front of the world’s media.

“Oh, I’m  gonna ...,” I hiss back with a grin wider than the Cheshire  Cat’s .

“You _CAN’T_!” Jess squeaks, blushing with second hand embarrassment.

“Can’t do what?” Comes Susan’s voice from our right and it’s just the distraction I need to escape Jess’ clutches and make a bee line for my intended target.

“She’s going pretend to bum Chris Evans,” I hear Jess say to Susan, which is followed by a cackle of laughter from Mrs Downey.  

And she’s right: I am about to pretend to bum Chris Evans.  We’re on the red carpet at the Oscars and it’s so surreal that I’m just a ball of pent up, nervous energy.  I have to do  something to get rid of it and this seems like a good idea.  Well,  It  did until I see the back of Chris’ perfect suit and stutter a little.

Let me explain.  

A few years ago, when  myself  and Jess could only speak via  Facebook  messenger or over Skype, we somehow ended up talking about ‘bumming Chris Evans’. I put on a stupid voice and it’s been a source of much amusement between  us  ever since.  And now we’re both here, at the Oscars, and I can’t stand still.  I’d just informed Jess that I was going to ‘pretend bum’ as many celebrities as humanly possible whilst we were on the red carpet to try  an elevate  my nerves.  After all, i t’s  not every day  my book ,  which got made into a film ,  gets nominated for 5 Academy Awards.  I’m absolutely terrified that it’s going to win  something  and I’m going to have to make some sort of coherent speech ,  so I need to let out the nervous energy.

And then I’d spotted Chris.  This all started because of him, plus Jess’ undying love for the man so he’s my primary target.  If I happen to pretend bum a few other stars on the way then that’s an added bonus.  I’m stopped on my way to eternal damnation by the incredibly tall figure of the leading man in my film  and partner in shenanigans , Mr Tom  Hiddleston .  

“Darling, we’re at  the Academy Awards , stop it,” It’s half hearted at best and with some gentle- ish  prodding, he gets out of the way and stifles a snigger as I continue  to make my way over to Chris.  He’s just standing there  posing  for  the cameras so now’s  my chance.  Getting as close behind him as I dare and looking back to make sure Jess is watching, I make the motions of pretend bumming.  Jess is hiding behind her hands, Tom and Susan are just shaking their heads and trying not to laugh and Robert...Well, Robert is off being Robert somewhere.

“ Wha ......What the  fuck a re you doing?”  Chris has turned around whilst  I'm  grinning at the others.  “Did you.......did you just _pretend hump me?_!”

“Pretend hump? Christopher, as if I would do such a thing! This is the  Oscars ,  “ I  act innocent which only make s  Chris look even more confused than usual.  We’d met a fair few times thanks to Robert and he was just as prone to mucking about as me.  But this was Oscar night and his nerves were pretty raw.  This was just what he needed to lighten the mood.  “How dare you insinuate I would do such a  thing.   Honestly  Evans ... ”

“Uh-huh ,” Chris’ gorgeous lopsided grin makes an appearance and I can tell that he doesn’t believe me one little bit.  Still, I seem to have distracted him for a moment or two.

“Oh, by the way, y ou  need to come meet my  bestie  Jess,” I nod over towards Susan and Jess, who just goes bright red and looks away.  “She totally wants to ..” _ wink  wink _  “.. with you  if  y’know  what I mean..”  _ nudge  nudge _ ... “Say no more! Eh? EH!?”

“Did you just Monty Python me?” Chris sniggers, the tension draining out of him a little more.  “Just _behave_.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about Christopher,” I sniff at him before starting to walk away.  “And I am absolutely  **_not_**   pretend bumming people at the Oscars. Nope.  Absolutely not.”   I punctuate my blatant lie by making the bumming motion behind Jennifer Lawrence as she’s giving  an interview to E! or some such television channel.  The reporter sniggers and Jennifer whips around just as I wander off nonchalantly.  When I make it back to Jess and Susan, Robert has reappeared, curling an arm around his wife and kissing her cheek.

"How are all my gorgeous girls doing?" He asks before he catches the mischievous glint in my eyes.  "Oh no...."

"Oh yes.  She's been making quite the spectacle  of herself," Susan doesn't hesitate in ratting me out and I roll my eyes at her.

"Spoilsport...." I pout at her.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again,  _ BEHAVE _ ," Robert warns me and I'm surprised he's not joining in.  "The world is watching little one so watch yourself."

"Less of the little ,  short arse," I retort, sticking my tongue out at him.

"I'm not short. I'm compact, which is adorable."

"Don't start this again you two," Susan groans and buries her face in Robert's neck.  Over the past year or so, I've got to know the two of them well and the verbal sparring had come naturally.  Robert was an absolute delight to mess with and he always gives as good as he gets.

"Besides, I don't see why I should have to behave when..... Well look," I nod over towards where Jeremy is up to his usual red carpet antics, bouncing and weaving around the clusters of people on the red carpet.  One of his nicknames is  Tigger  and it suits him perfectly, especially tonight when he's as much a ball of nervous energy as I am.

"You're allowed to behave like that when you've been twice nominated and up for another one again tonight," Robert huffs as we all watch Jeremy bob and weave his way around the crowd.

"Seriously, you need to rein it in," Jess scolds lightly.

"I can't help it!"

"You can and you will young lady," Robert warns again and Susan just rolls her eyes at the pair of us.  "Don’t make me set Clark on you.  He'll give you his disappointed face and that would just spoil everything."

He's right.  No-one wanted the patented Disappointed Clark Face.  It had been aimed at me exactly once over the past year and I never wanted to see it again.  When the studio had picked up my book to turn into a small indie film, I'd been adamant that I wanted Clark as the person who helped me adapt it for the screen.  And I had stood my ground when I told them that I wanted him to direct too.  They wanted someone else but I wouldn’t budge and I'm very glad I didn't.  He'd done an amazing job as well as showing me the ropes.  He never lost his patience with me, not once.  But I had got his disappointed face and I never, **_EVER_ ** wanted to see that again.  It was a face that managed to make  him look like I'd  kicked his puppy  as well as making me feel about 2 inches tall and the shittiest person alive.  

"Where is he anyway?" Susan asks, looking around the gathering celebrities on the red carpet.  

"No idea.  If I know Clark,  he'll be talking to fans somewhere," Robert answers , just as Clark and Jennifer appear  out of seemingly nowhere.  I fli ng my arms around him before turning to Jennifer to hug her too.   


"Where have you guys  _ beeeeen _ ?" I whine, taking Jennifer's hand nervously.  She's always so calming and I could do with some of that before I went off and did something stupid again.

"Doing the rounds," Clark grins as he takes in just how overexcited I am.

"Well I'm glad you're here now - she's driving me mad," Jess grumbles a little, fixing me with a glare.

"Oh really?  What's she doing this time?"

"Playing Let's Pretend Bum All The Celebrities," I answer and Clark snorts with laughter.

"I dare you to go pretend bum Tom Cruise," Susan suddenly challenges as she sees the star wander past.

"Done and done!" I grin and scoot off to do just that.  By the time I get back, Jess and Robert are glaring at me, Susan and Clark are howling with laughter and Jennifer is just shaking her head at me fondly.  Chris choses that moment to join us and Jess nearly chokes on her tongue when he appears.

"So you  _were_   air humping me!"

"Bumming Christopher.  I was air _bumming_ you," I correct him and the grin I get in return makes Jess go redder than I've ever seen her blush.  I decide to see if I can make her turn purple.  "You want to have a word with Jess here about that.  She started it about 2 years ago."

"I did not!" Jess squeaks, trying and failing to hide behind Susan as Chris turns his attention to her.

"Yes you did.  You said 'I really want to bum Chris Evans," And there it is! I managed to make Jess turn purple!  "Well, now's your chanc e tiger!"

"You are a mean little shit  Victoria Penelope Johnson and you will be going to hell for your crimes," Jess hisses, completely unable to meet Chris' eyes after my confession on her behalf.   In his  defense , neither can he but at least it's broken the ice between them.

" Wait, y our middle nam e's   _Penelope?_ "

Well, fuck. 

Jeremy.

" _SHE WANTS TO BUM YOU_! " Jess seizes her chance for revenge and blurts it out loud enough  or Bradley Cooper to look in our direction with a faint frown as he walks past.

Touché Jess, touché.

"Yes my middle name is Penelope and yes I will kill you slowly and painfully if you start to call me that," I turn a defia nt look on Jeremy,  throwing down the gauntlet .  I know full well that he  _ will _  start to call me by my middle name because he's a little shit and enjoys winding me up like that.  Thanks to Robert, I've got to know Jeremy over the past year or so along with Chris and  am  now  utterly and  hopelessly in love with him.  Alas, I seem  comp le tely incapable of doing anything about it and have reverted to such playground tactics such as play sparring, pinching, eye poking and calling him names.  It's pathetic and I hate myself for not being able to just say: 'Hey  Jer ? How does dinner sound tonight, just the two of us?' and so now I'm convinced that he sees me as just a little sister figure.  I figured that tonight would be my best chance. All dressed in our finest with champagne flowing freely.  With a bit of Dutch courage, maybe I'd be able to actually ask him out.  Oh wait, that's right. I don't drink. Well, maybe he wouldn't remember in the morning if I asked him out and he said no.  Then we could forget that it ever happened in the first place and go back to being surrogate siblings.

Yes. Good plan.

"No dress tonight? I'm disappointed," Jeremy drawls, eyeing me up and down and taking in the black 3-piece suit with purple  pinstripe and  the  pair of matching purple and black Chucks.

"Whatever Renner.  Just because I wear a suit better than you."

"No   _Penelope_ , you wear a  corset  better than me," He says as he points at the matching corset I'm wearing in place of a waistcoat.  To be fair, it looks like a waistcoat but it's a lot more flattering than that.  And it's making my boob s  look  amazing, s omething I'm hoping he'll appreciate.  Who am I kidding? Renner is a boob man, of  _ course _  he's appreciating them.  "Now, what's all this about bumming?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," I slap a hand over Jess' mouth just in time to stop her repeating hers elf.  

"You were totally just  bum _fffff_ .....," I slap a hand over Chris' mouth too so Jeremy looks to Susan.

"She's been pretend bumming people on the red carpet," Susan sighs

"Oh  Penelope. .......," Jeremy sniggers, rolling his eyes and trying to hide a smirk behind his hand.  "This is the  Oscars  Kiddo, you need to behave."

"Fuck behaving.  Might never have a chance to be here again so I'm taking advantage in the most childish yet entertaining way I possibly can, "  I sniff at him and despite his warning, there's a glint in those beautiful eyes of his and I just  know  that I can talk him into some juvenile shenanigans later.  "By the way, any one seen my leading lady yet?  I wanted us all to be together."

"No idea where Hayley got to actually.  Last I saw her she was posing for the cameras with Chris," Tom sidles up to us and looks at Chris.

"Don't look at me man, no idea where she went," Chris shrug s and my shoulders sag a little.  I had hoped that we could all walk the red carpet together but then no-one had any idea who I was.  The others were all off posing for photos and giving  interviews whilst Jess and I just hung back gawking at everyone.  It was one thing to have spent years watching this on the TV but quite another to be one of the people on the actual red carpet.

"I'm sure she'll find us soon enough," Jennifer squeezes my hand and gives me a warm smile.

"So, crapping  yourself yet?" Jess whispers in my ear and I just nod miserably. 


End file.
